It feels like a lifetime since I last posted and I am not sure where to begin. Let's start with what cancer has taken from me.
My Freedom- I thought once the tumor was gone I'd be free to jump back into my previous self. Heck that's what happened after my first surgery, but Shirley II (that's the name given to my tumor by my good friend, Traci) did not go willingly and without a fight. But I digress....
The person I was prior to 2012 was funny, energetic, social, workaholic, mother, wife, daughter, friend, traveler, hostess, chef (at least in my kitchen). I was always the first to volunteer my home for the next party. I would drive in snow storms (when no one else was on the road) to visit clients. I volunteered at my daughters school. I very rarely ever said no.
But those days have vanished and that woman is gone Gone GONE!! I am sure part of it has to do with the fact that I am not as young as I once was, but I'm only 41 and yet I feel like I am 81. And when I think about how I will physically feel in the future, I get sad and scared and annoyed for my family, friends and co-workers who listen to me complain about my chronic pain.
I have turned into what I hate. Maybe hate is not the right word but honest to G-d NOTHING annoys me more then chronic complainers. Please don't get me wrong, this is not me venting about anyone or anything else but myself. As soon as I hear myself telling someone that I hurt or how rough a day I had, I want to tune me out. Day in and day out I feel like all I do is gripe and moan about my neck, my knees, my shoulders. I have turned into the teacher from the Peanuts cartoon---waa waa waa waa.
The kicker, as of this very moment (11/20/14), I am still tumor free and have been in remission for 2. 5 years but I do not live a day without pain. With all the treatments and surgeries my body is F'd up. I now have herniated discs in my neck, I am riddled with arthritis and my anxiety is off the charts.
Alright...enough about me and my everlasting pain. Tell me what scares you? Do you suffer from chronic pain? It's ok...complain away. Why not, I did. HAHA!
